Ashley was "supposed to" be on her mission today :(

For the most part people are pretty unaware that I was planning on going on a mission. From September-December 2009 I was so excited and inspired by the thought of a mission. I started reading and studying my scriptures more, talked to lots of returned missionaries about it, made sure my parents supported it and would fund it, received the support of all my siblings, went to mission prep classes after church, steadily told more and more people I'd probably be going, started and near FINISHED my mission papers (only lacking hepatitis shots and clicking the "submit" button on the online papers, oh and didn't do the interviews). And it was going to be perfect- My little brother would be leaving on his mission and I'd be gone while he was, and back before he got back- and we'd share our marvelous experiences. And in the end, I'd be a better disciple, person, woman, teacher, leader, wife, mother, and perhaps with a another language under my belt depending on where I would have been sent.

But I had some hangups. I was battling some pretty bad anxiety during the whole preparation time, that I had to overcome rather quickly in order to be a useful missionary. Also, I was putting pressure on myself to leave ASAP. At 25 years old, I would be the oldest departing Sister-missionary that I personally knew of... and after an 18-month mission I didn't want to be 27 when I returned home. So that's why I wanted to be in the MTC by my half birthday- TODAY, March 23, 2010- so I could be home before my birthday on September 23, 2011. It was pretty trivial but that's just what mattered to me. It was a time limit to inspire me I guess.
Well the thing is, I never *really* prayed about it by that point. I'd had several "confirmations" along the way that were my motivation. And I was so excited at the thought of serving a mission, although pretty terrified about doing ACTUAL MISSIONARY WORK and had doubts about my capabilities, what with ADHD and all. And of course... I didn't want to miss out on finding an optimal husband, ha. But I had faith that if Heavenly Father wanted me to go, that I'd overcome those fears and I'd be able to succeed. So the first Sunday of December I prayed THE PRAYER about it, finally knowing 100% that I wanted to go and just wanted to see if Heavenly Father would give me a yes or a no.

And a few hours later I got what I believe was my answer.

The answer came in an unexpected manner, and with immediate disappointment.
I still held onto the idea for a little longer, wondering if the answer was "real", but soon enough I saw my excitement and desires to serve a full-time mission drift away. And that's what confirmed it to me. I re-focused myself onto my back-up plan of figuring out a career, becoming an adult, and going on the MAN-HUNT again. Grr. I have to say that one of THE BEST things about preparing for a mission is that I DID NOT CARE ABOUT BOYS AT ALL during that time. I was so focused on other, wonderful things, i.e. the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ and becoming a more faithful and diligent member of the Church. It was a blessed time, even through my aggravating anxiety.

So here I am today, living with my parents, hogging up their basement. I'm not at the Missionary Training Center in Utah learning how to effectively teach people about the Gospel. But I'm pleased to say I don't have an excuse to give up on the whole endeavor, because I still have the duty to be a missionary here and now. So I've got a lot of work to do.


(For anyone who's totally confused by the jargon in this post, just ask me and I'll be happy to define/explain! You can send me a private message on Facebook or in an email if you like.)