Rude.

How do I begin this...

People think I'm rude.

I've offended my neighbor for the who-knows-how-many-times-nowth time. My roommate Deya has been there to witness this at least twice now- (the previous time I supposedly made Neighbor CRY) and she was probably part of some damage control or just venting from the neighbor.

At my apartment tonight we were holding a meeting to start planning a part of a church event that will be happening this summer. Involved in this were my roommate Sarah, me, another girl, and two guys. We were sitting at the kitchen table and discussion had commenced. Very soon though I couldn't help but notice exactly behind me on the couches, the neighbor and Deya were chatting. Quietly, but chatting right there in our living room when they could have been anywhere else- while we were taking care of something in a formal manner and as planned. Soon this chatting started filling my ears and drowning out the words of our meeting. I became frustrated and that was going to make it harder for me to be able to tune out their chatting- I even plugged my ear that was closer to them. So instead of struggling to tune them out and thus STILL miss what was being said in the meeting- I said quietly and directly at them and not in a harsh manner "Could you guys please talk somewhere else?" After a little exchange of words, they left. I sensed (or rather, knew) that they weren't going to be happy about this.

After the meeting, Deya- who is always honest and quite diplomatic with me, which I really appreciate- came home and I decided to ask her how it was taken when I asked them to move their conversation. Well I was kind of surprised to find out that it wasn't just the neighbor that was (naturally) offended this time. I mean, Deya wasn't super offended, but upon my asking more about it she went ahead and told me that "a lot of people think that I do rude things" or something like that. I asked her how she knows that "a lot of people" know this, and she says that when people have come over to the apartment she sees the looks on their faces after I say things and it puts her in an awkward position and she just wants to get out of there. She says that basically the way it comes off is that I think "it's all about me."

Now, I'm not trying to argue this, but I will admit it bothers me. I know not everyone is perturbed and offended by me, because I have friends. But it sucks when I'm already so aware of so many of my flaws- to have this one thrown in my face. It's hard for me see it in perspective. It's like all I'm getting out of it is "ASHLEY. YOU HURT PEOPLE. YOU MAKE PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE. THAT IS ALL YOU ARE. YOU ARE A HEARTLESS GIRL THAT DOES THAT TO PEOPLE FREQUENTLY." Like really, that's what it seems like. But... It can't be! It can't be true. It's hard to separate MYSELF from my FLAWS or BEHAVIOR. It's so frustrating. I feel so unnecessarily bad about myself (and therefore more self absorbed!) because I can't separate who I am from these kinds of SITUATIONS.

Ok so that's part of the battle that goes on inside of me. The other side is this defensiveness that thinks "So what, you wuss. I'm not going to stop telling it like it is! It gets results!!!" I can't believe I even think like that, hah. So there must be a softer girl inside of me that was just conditioned into being a harsh little monster at times.

I don't know what more I want to say about this. If my friend Sydney hadn't been over when this conversation happened I'm sure I would be in a bigger shame spiral right now. Thankfully she accepts me and understands 'n' stuff. So that's good. One thing I got out of the convo with her afterwards is that mostly I may make a bad first impression- but for the people that are tough enough to make it past the first round, they'll see plenty of good to round out all my little spikes :) I hope so. I mean as bad as I think I am so much of the time, I am learning and starting to believe, I'M ALRIGHT! And still... I'm going going to get better :)